YA KNOW....

I was thinking about sheltering some of you from my real world - all of it that is... but then i decided that all of you who are involved in or with or around Bajito Onda / Del Hendrixson's world might need to know about each other. I cannot do it quickly but i can piece it together bit by bit. My weeks run together in a blur. Almost like they did when i was in prison. i hate it and i love it at the same time. i sit here with my heart pounding out of my chest at times from the confusion and the stress of how much longer i can continue to hold it all together, and then i realize. i am not restricted in any way and if it were not this way i would be craving it back into my blood stream instantly. this work is my drug, it is my high - i'm high on life and the living of it from minute to minute. if it doesn't drive them crazy, the people in this world with me also become addicted to it. we never know where or how each day will end. who will enter our doors and what will be accomplished each day. but i know in my heart that each day something will definitely be accomplished and throughout the day we will help someone, share love with someone, sell someone something we have printed or produced or created out of nothing and that those lives will feel good about having passed through our doors. sometimes i rant and i complain and i usually do it to those who are in prison... poor guys. i know they love me though so they bear the burden of having to hear it when i get frustrated in the struggle to keep opening doors for the oppressed in society... myself being one of those lives. when will the doors open we all ask ourselves... then i look around and i realize that not only have doors of opportunity opened but they are opening daily and slowly we are entering society through those doors. i used to call myself a 'corporate dropout' because i tried after returning from prison to 'fit in'. i'm not sure i ever fit in but somehow i was trying to re-enter society as i thought i had known it before my year in prison. i know it seems to some of you as if i spent an eternity there. actually i didn't. i call it a 'bounce' now into the just-us system. that bounce was in slow motion and it was the slowest days of my life. i never realized how many steps i would count on repeated journeys to the chow hall, to the pill line to get my legally dispensed tranquilizers which i actually became addicted to from inside prison, and to the chapel which also affected my life from 'inside' and so forth. i realized from within prison i was learning about a society that has long since left the freeworld. camradrie, living under a microscope as it seems of the federal government - true paranoia at every step of the way. the friendships that were built inside prison have never left my heart... my friend 'china' as i called her. the hours we sat sharing our lives.. hers from taiwan of a japanese mom and a chinese dad, a cultural oddity at odds within their own family as she told me, and her marrying the Columbian ambassador to Taiwan, moving back there with him, having two children who spoke spanish, her learning spanish and leaving her royal nest in Columbia with a boyfriend that talked her into swallowing 'globos' or balloons filled with cocaine to finance their journey to America where upon arrival in the port of New Orleans, she panicked when told to have a seat off to the side while they verified her documents and she confessed to having swallowed six globos of coke - where upon she was immediately arrested. she was afraid of dying without ever seeing her children again - of dying from the drug meant to finance her journey and of course to party with along the way. China and i became friends and we spoke in spanish because english was not a language she knew - we will never forget each other although we will never find each other again on this planet either. The freeworld does not provide for wonderful friendships like this to flourish and remain in our hearts forever. i miss that part of prison. i miss the closeness. the finding humor in the sickness of it all. the hiding from the catlike guards always treating the mice as little children who are always in trouble - keeping us in some sort of fear mode until we just get sick of it and fight it tooth and nail. until we became as sick as they were. until we became smarter than them... until we 'learned to play the game' and win. i learned - believe me - i learned to play the game and win - after losing so many rounds to all the evil forces around me - they had me reeling like a spinning top. they had me dizzy with trauma and nervous breakdowns - i counted seventeen total nervous breakdowns and then i realized... why was i even counting - for sure more were going to come... i laid down mentally and emotionally to the damage prison was doing to the old me and i only could ride the waves out into the darkness of depression and fear as i began to literally feel as though i was drowning in the ocean of prison life. If you have a comment please let me know. Take Care, Del